TechCrunch’s first-quarter tech gain deteriorate column bets


Here during TechCrunch, we tend to compensate tighten courtesy to a gain reports of a large companies. And for good reason! It gives us some discernment into vital record trends and some signals that can assistance us not usually envision what products are going to be around in a few years (not mentioning any names), though also directionally what kinds of startups competence be successful.

But!

Sometimes these reports can be dull. And infrequently these reports can be utterly tedious and tumble directly in-line with what Wall Street and everybody else expects. We have a integrate new entries this entertain like Snap, though given we’re here, we competence as good have a small bit of fun. So we’re going to set out some of a contingency of some of a fun, foolish and engaging things that competence occur this gain season.

NOTE: WE ARE NOT GOING TO PAY OUT THESE BETS. WE DON’T HAVE THE MONEY OR RESOURCES. OUR PARENT COMPANY JUST BOUGHT YAHOO FOR SOME REASON.

Twitter

Anything bad happens since it’s 4 A.M.: 3/2

Jack Dorsey says he’s still using both companies: 3/1

Twitter’s ad business shrinks: 2/1

Twitter talks about a good new executive team: 5/1

More Twitter layoffs: 50/1

Jack Dorsey incidentally calls Twitter “Square” and has to apologize: 25/1

Square shares go adult after Twitter falls for some reason: 3/2

Apple

Apple grows revenue and/or iPhone sales: 5/1

Over/under on “Customer Sat” mentions on a gain call: 3

Apple breaks out Apple Watch numbers: 100/1

Apple services income breaks $9 billion: 10/1

Self-driving automobile mention: 15/1

Tim Cook says services income will be “size of a happening 100 company” in 2016: 3/1

Someone mentions protracted reality: 15/1

Apple batch rises some-more than 3%: 7/1

Over/under on array of Qualcomm lawsuit mentions (analyst or otherwise): 3

An Apple executive indeed names Qualcomm on a call: 7/1

Greater China income shrinks: 4/1

Someone says something about a Apple car: 15/1

Apple TV is called a “hobby”: 25/1

Alphabet

Line on Other Bets loss: $900M

Larry Page shows adult to gain call: 40/1

The Waymo lawsuit is mentioned in some fashion: 20/1

Someone indeed mentions Uber by name: 50/1

Alphabet breaks out cloud revenue: 25/1

Alphabet cost-per-click grows: 50/1

Alphabet declares a unchanging dividend: 3/2

Alphabet shares go adult some-more than 3%: 6/1

Someone mentions banking fluctuations: 7/1

Yahoo

Yahoo discloses another hack: 25/1

Facebook

Mark Zuckerberg says something about his USA tour: 3/2

Instagram is entirely damaged out: 100/1

Analysts ask about feign news: 5/1

User expansion stalls completely: 50/1

A Facebook executive indeed addresses feign news: 15/1

The array of stories posted to Instagram is mentioned: 3/2

Someone says anything about GIFs: 10/1

Facebook batch goes adult by 3%: 8/1

Snap

Snap somehow discloses some array that’s violence Instagram: 50/1

A Snap executive indeed mentions Instagram by name: 75/1

A Snap executive indeed answers a unavoidable doubt per Instagram Stories DAUs with some clarity: 45/1

Snap indeed beats expectations adequate to aver a stream income multiple: 25/1

Snap announces some new corporate governance process to share control with open investors: haha yeah right

Snap batch goes adult by 3%: 4/1

Snap breaks out Spectacles revenue: 10/1

Microsoft

Microsoft discloses final quarter’s Windows Phone sales: 100/1

Microsoft breaks out Surface Studio sales numbers: 75/1

Microsoft breaks out Azure-specific run rate: 25/1

Google Cloud or AWS is indeed mentioned: 30/1

Satya Nadella quotes some poetry: 35/1

Microsoft shares go adult 3% or more: 9/1

IBM

Some meaningful discuss or vigilance of additional destiny layoffs: 5/1

Netflix

Netflix somehow beats expectations for domestic subscriber growth: 7/1

Netflix strange array The 3% is mentioned: 8/1 (great uncover by a way)

Over/under on 2017’s calm spend if mentioned: $6.5 billion

Iron Fist is mentioned by an executive or analyst: 5/1

Amazon

Amazon indeed breaks out Kindle sales numbers in comprehensive terms: 15/1

Amazon creates income by some accident: 5/1

AWS hits a $12B annual run rate: 8/1

Amazon shares go adult during slightest 3%: 3/1

Media is mentioned for some reason: 4/1

An Amazon executive mentions a array of Alexa skills: 3/2

Over/under on array of Alexa skills if mentioned: 7,000

Box

Box gain to disastrous giveaway income flow: 5/1

Over/under on mentions of “cohort analysis” during gain call: 2

Box batch goes adult 3% or more: 6/1

Verizon

Verizon apologizes for job it “Oath”: 100/1

TechCrunch shoutout: 200/1 (come on Tim!)

Paypal

PayPal’s batch goes adult 3% or some-more for some reason: 4/1

PayPal indeed has some dermatitis of Venmo: 5/1 (💪💪💪)

Qualcomm

Apple is indeed mentioned by name with regards to a tentative lawsuit: 15/1

Over/under on array of mentions or questions per a Apple lawsuit: 5

Fitbit

Fitbit’s marketplace top falls next GoPro after a report: 3/2

Over/under on tributary self-centredness metrics mentioned: 7

Tesla

Tesla is GAAP profitable: 7/1

Tesla indeed beats expectations for automobile shipments: 5/1

Tesla says it will lift some-more income with a batch sale: 25/1

Discussion concerning a lifting of new outmost capital: 5/1

Over/under for a array of researcher questions per SolarCity: 4

Pandora

Someone says Pandora is “exploring vital options”: 5/1

Cisco

Something engaging adequate that’s value mentioning happens: 50/1

GoPro

GoPro’s batch hits another all-time low: 7/1

Something reticent happens: 3/1

Square

Another teenager beat: 3/1

Be certain to check out TechCrunch in a entrance weeks for a coverage of gain for vital tech companies.

Alex Wilhelm, editor-in-chief of Crunchbase News, contributed to this post.

Featured Image: Drew Angerer/Getty Images